Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
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i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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