did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize