got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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