I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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