There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This toilet bowl is my home.
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