Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
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stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
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He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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