so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My feet surprised me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
