my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
