i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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