you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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