Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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