He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
