Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
