my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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