I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
