That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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