When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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