I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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