I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
