the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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