Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We got so high we made milksteak
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
And then he peed in my hair
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
