I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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