i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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