Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
