I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
