Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
