I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
