Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
