did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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