my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
