i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
