she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
