im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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