I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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