What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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