when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
