I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You pole danced in your parka.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
