she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious