when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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