I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They took my balls.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
