I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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