So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
