I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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