Dual....:-)
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
