I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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