i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures