First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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