I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
