Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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