you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am mentally ready for anal.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
