nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
