My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
