I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
