my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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