He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
