i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
