I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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