I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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