I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.