I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
time to smoke my breakfast
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My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.