Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.