hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Drake has all the answers
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
